This past weekend the question of whether or not I've got a boyfriend, found a guy--or however you want to word it--has come up quite a bit. Each time the person (asking the question) followed up that question by asking what type of person I would look for. You might remember The List that I posted a while ago, but of course, I wasn't serious about that at all; I just wanted to give my friend the most impossible list of specifications so that she'd never find anyone and I could continue on in my contented bachelorhood (it sounds a bit funny, but I think "bachelor" has sort of become a term for single people of either gender--besides, bachelorettehood just sounds wrong).
Anyway, I've been thinking about it a bit more seriously now, and I believe that if I ever reached a point where I was actively seeking a lifemate, I wouldn't go about it by making a list of qualities that I'd want in a partner, I'd make a list of characteristics I would like to have as a spouse and try to work on those traits. What point is there in deciding beforehand what type of person you'd want to marry when you're suppose to have unconditional love for your future spouse anyway? I mean, if you tell yourself that you're only interested in people who have such and such characteristics, then you've already set limitations to your love, and therefore it can't be unconditional, right?
Now I know that very few people would actually take their own lists seriously enough to reject people for not fulfilling one of the list's requirements, but I've got to wonder if the "list mentality" isn't one of the reasons that relationships are so dysfunctional nowadays. It's pretty selfish to make lists of things that we want in a future mate, don't you think? It makes love a matter of what I want, and not what I can do for the other. Just think about how different society would be if we reversed it and put others before ourselves. I think it'd be an awesome world to live in.
On a purely practical level, a list for myself instead of him--whoever he may be--makes a lot more sense because I can dictate what type of person I am or will be, but I can't really do a lot to make other people into who I want them to be. Anyway, I don't want to get into a lot of detail, because I've been having a hard time putting my wishes into coherent sentences, but I think the main thing that I'd want is that I'd want to be able to put God first in our relationship.
A long time ago I read this quote in a novel and it's always stuck in my mind: "I could not love thee so dear, loved I not honour more." It's a bit of a difficult concept to wrap my mind around (I've tried to work it out in the context of the movie The Thomas Crown Affair), but I think it makes a lot more sense if you replace the word "honour" with "God." See, God is love, so it's only by loving God that I can learn to develop that same type of unconditional love. If I didn't put God first I wouldn't be able to put my own needs and wants aside for the good of my (hypothetical future) spouse because human nature is to be selfish and self-seeking. If I could love God above all others and all else, I'd be able to drop everything and become a missionary in Bora Bora if my (again, hypothetical future) husband thought that he was being called to do so, despite the uncertainty, inconvenience and discomfort such a dramatic move would cause. I'd be able to encourage him to strengthen and deepen his own relationship with God; rather than expecting him to be the one to spur me on, we'd help each other to grow spiritually. I'd be able to chastise or rebuke in love, and not nag out of my own frustration or anger. I'd be able to do all this and much more because God's love demands that we put ourselves aside for others, and by loving God first I would learn to love in His way.
And even if I never have an eye towards getting married, I'd still like to be able to fulfil my own list's requirement(s), because the kind of love I'm talking about doesn't have to be, and shouldn't be restricted to a single "significant other," but should govern all of life's relationships. It's a big dream, isn't it? Looking at myself right now it seems like a long and hard task, and it will be. But I guess I do have an entire lifetime to work towards my goal, and even if I never accomplish it, I think the trying will be enough.
