When I am by myself, I am usually content; I read, surf the web, etc. and enjoy my own company. But I never feel so alone as when I am with a group of friends, or just people.
I went to see the Lion King musical tonight (technically last night).Originally it was supposed to be just my two girl friends and I, but then a guy friend mentioned that he really wanted to see it, so we invited him, and then invited another guy friend along so that he wouldn't feel weird (as the only guy with three girls). So there were five of us in total.
Both five and three are odd numbers, but there is a difference between going somewhere with two girl friends, and with going somewhere with two sets of guy and girl friends, if you see what I mean. When we bought the tickets I "joked" about being a fifth wheel, but the reality is that it was pretty hard for me.
I mean, we three had been talking about going to the show for so long I would've regretted not going, but at the same time, I think everyone involved would've been more comfortable if I, the odd one out, hadn't been there. What made it a bit more difficult as well was that after we had already purchased the tickets, I found out that I would've been offered a ticket to go with a family friend if I hadn't already bought tickets.
Anyway, my discomfort tonight was totally my own fault, because I'm so bloody insecure and needy. My friends didn't ignore me to do the "couple" thing, or anything, but I'm so hypersensitive that I felt like I was just being a pain, like they felt that they had to make an effort to include me when otherwise they would've been perfectly content just chatting in pairs. I'm sure they didn't feel that way at all, but, nonetheless, I considered myself to be a nuisance, the odd one out, the fifth wheel, so...
I'm sorry to sound so pathetic. The show was pretty good, by the way. New songs were added so skillfully to the flow and orchestration of the show that I really had to think to remember whether or not I had heard them before in the movie. They also did an impressive job of recreating/redesigning movie visuals for the stage. Unfortunately it never left my mind that everything had been adapted from the movie, and I couldn't help but to make comparisons between the movie and stage effects. Even the actors' expressions and intonations were close to but not quite the same as the movie voice actors'. I suspect that I would've enjoyed it even more if I had been coming to it with a fresh, "unsuspecting" point of view. As it was, though, it really made me want to watch the Lion King movie again.
Can you tell that I'm trying to get away from the subject I originally started on? I'm sorry, it's not really fair for me to be discussing all this when people who know which friends I'm talking about, and even the friends themselves, might (are even likely to) read this. It's cowardly of me to not explain in person (to them) how I feel. But what good would it do, really? My feelings are my own responsibility, and it's not their fault that I'm too sensitive to stupid things, or that my emotions are completely illogical.
Argh. I was hoping that by writing this I would be able to put things into the proper perspective, that I would see how silly I was being, but even though I'm not feeling so overwrought anymore, I can still feel some of the sadness, buried deep in my heart. And I've probably just spread some of my grief around too...Sigh...What an idiot.
I think that I wasn't really thinking too carefully when I made one of the goals of this blog to be that I would be "real." It's a good goal, but it's hard to accomplish for me, when I'm so used to keeping my deepest thoughts to myself, and my true self is so insecure and messed up that I'm afraid of hurting others by revealing it. At the same time, this is my choice to try to fulfil one of the hopes of my blog. I'm so torn, torn between wanting to keep my troubles to myself (at least that way my worries will remain solely my worries), and between wanting to break down the barriers that form when friends refuse to share any meaningful part of themselves with each other. Guess this post is step towards the latter, but who knows if I'll continue in this vein or just go back to being my usual distant self.
