I've been thinking about my passions a lot recently, and I've come to some pretty disturbing conclusions. First, though, what are my passions? I'd say anime and hockey. The way I can tell is:
I think about hockey and anime several times, if not constantly, throughout the day
I make plans to spend time on (watching) hockey and anime
I read up on hockey and anime
I love talking about hockey and anime with others
Seems pretty straightforward, doesn't it? The first point alone should convince most people that I'm "obsessed" with hockey and anime.
But then I think about Christianity, and my relationship with God, and I realize that the one thing/being that is supposed to be my passion, is not. As a Christian, I am charged to give up everything--my pride, my control, my entire life--up to God, yet hockey and anime occupy most of my thoughts.
So far I've made all of my plans around the NHL playoff schedule (except in cases where I had a longstanding commitment to fulfil), and I make sure I organize anime nights at least twice a year. On top of that, I make, carve out times to watch anime, especially when I'm feeling stressed, or I feel that I deserve a treat. Yet, I can't even remember the last time I did a "daily" devotion, or took off some time for solitude and prayer.
I read books about the history of anime and hockey, and read website news posts and newspapers for the latest information about them. As I mentioned earlier, though, it's been so long since I last read my Bible (outside of church, or church events), or even a devotional book.
When people bring up hockey or anime, I jump right into the conversation, and I can totally feel myself lighting up, really getting into it. If people bring up religion or Christianity, I keep quiet, and agonize over what I should say--but never say anything.
So yes, I've come to the frightening conclusion that God, Jesus, Christianity, none of these are my passions. It's scary because I don't know how I can become passionate about God again, if I ever really was to begin with. I guess I've always known that my faith has lacked fire and passion, but I never really wanted to admit it to myself. It was too easy to pretend that doing things for the church, for God, showed my zeal for God. But it's not enough anymore. I'm afraid that if I don't discover a real passion for God soon, I'll become so numb, so stagnant in my faith, that I'll just stop caring entirely.
As Christians, we are called to serve, to spread the message of God's love, and Jesus' redemptive death for us, to all people, but if I can live simply knowing these truths, without ever taking them into me, without ever allowing them to change who I am, then what type of message would I be showing people through my life? I'd be a hypocrite, talking about God's power to change lives, while remaining mired in my old routines and ways. I don't know what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to ignite my zeal for God. For now, I am taking comfort in the fact that I still desire to become a passionate God lover, and thus I can know that I have not yet slipped into indifference and apathy.
