The popular concept of love is very tragic; people seem to think that love is some sort of abstract feeling, an emotion beyond our control. Me? I think that definition is a cop-out. Describing love that way is simply a convenient means of avoiding the responsibility and commitment that love demands. As Joshua Harris, the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, astutely pointed out, even the phrases that we use to describe romantic love reflect this desire to absolve ourselves of responsibility in love:
We describe the beginning of a passionate relationship as 'falling in love.' Or people say, 'We're madly in love with each other.' [ . . . ]
Why do we feel compelled to compare love to a pit or a mental disorder? What do these statements reveal about our attitudes towards love? I think we make these somewhat overstated analogies because they remove personal responsibility. If a person falls into a pit, what can she do about it? If an animal contracts rabies and runs foaming at the mouth and biting people, it can't really help its nasty behaviour because it has gone mad.
Does it sound a little absurd to discuss love in such terms? I think so. Yet we tend to express our experience of love in these ways. We think of love as something beyond our control and thus excuse ourselves from having to behave responsibly. [ . . . ] Yes, we know we behaved rashly. Yes, we know we might have hurt others in the process, but we couldn't help it. We were in love (63-64).
Not only does this type of logic absolve us of responsibility for actions made "in love," it also takes away the choice of love. Do people choose to fall into pits? Do dogs choose to get rabies and go mad? Of course not! These things simply happen, just like love. And if love is something that happens to you, then "falling out of love" is also just another sad but unavoidable circumstance. We see this all the time. I mean, do you think that more people get divorced for reasons like abuse or neglect, or because they simply "stopped loving each other"?
Love is a commitment and a choice, so just because the ooshy-gushy feeling part has passed doesn't mean that you can undo your choice or end your commitment. When you decide to love someone, you are committing yourself to that person; you are commiting yourself to be faithful and honest to that person. It means that you're willing to work through the hard times as well as to enjoy the good ones; it means that you will do your best to maintain your commitment as far as it is morally possible. And if you're not ready to make that kind of commitment, then you shouldn't play at love. It's fine to test out a relationship, to see if you're interested in making that commitment, but to start a "romance" without any intention of permanence is selfish and cruel. Whether we realize it or not, every relationship takes a bit of us and gives it to the other person involved. If we are careless with other people's hearts because we are only interested in the benefits, the comfort, the pleasure that we receive from relationships, then we will become thoughtless, callous people.
I have been such a person, and that is why I have chosen not to even look for a relationship right now, because I know that I am in no position to commit myself to another person when I need to be concentrating on my studies. Of course, it helps immensely that there aren't even any prospects on my horizon. =Þ
